I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
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SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off