Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
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It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Morning my dudes.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.