Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
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There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
They did not miss in the small print
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.