until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
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I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
pictures of spider-man
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*