[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
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I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
normalize having existential bread
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.