I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
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Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Sharon, call the vet
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.