@fillthevacuum: I know you didn't sneeze. I said "God bless you" because your baby is ugly.
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@theshamingofjay: My son just said he doesn't like cheese and now I have to interview all the mailmen in my neighborhood
@SCbchbum: The awkward moment when you say, "I love you," then the pizza delivery guy says, "That'll be $12.46, please."
@thr33circles: Quitting twitter is the adult version of running away from home. We ALL know you're doing it for attention and we ALL know you'll be back.