I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
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A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
my nickname in college
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Saturday
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?