GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
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Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.