I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
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Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.