I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
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[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
That’s classic.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*