[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
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[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
the saddest jazz hands ever
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.