I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
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No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
This took me a second..
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
New comic up. “Ransom”
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.