it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
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kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
how to market bottled water to dads
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.