Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
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Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.