I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
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Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
A tragic love story in two pictures.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
The Wolf of Wall Street.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified