Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
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The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
me hitting on a model
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
never forget
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Cheers Twitter.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home