I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
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12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster