I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
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wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
This week’s mood.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
catch me on valentine’s day like
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.