Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
You Might Also Like
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
*Inspirational Tweets*
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.