[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
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The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
pep talk
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
the simulation is moving too fast