I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
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Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
💁🏻♂️
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
fourth time’s the charm
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.