I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
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Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
yeet
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.