@murrman5: [closes kitchen drawer gently and looks at son] I wasn't here *wife walks in with police officer* "did you take a knife to a job interview"

@HomeProbably: If someone overtakes me when I'm walking, I match their speed so it looks like I've got friends.

@1MeLrO: Any girl can give you pics I can give you a headache

@UncleDuke1969: "Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?" "No." "Why not, sir?" "Because, it would make my rabbi sad."

@ImFunnyMang: The last human alive will get no funeral.