@jessokfine: I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@Vodkantots: I bet if that Malaysian plane had stolen tweets, some of you guys would've found it already.
@hello_saylor: Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
@Fickle_Filly: Ain't no mountain high enough Ain't no valley low enough Ain't no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough To keep me from yooou
@ShutUpThatsWho: [taking pregnant wife to hospital ER] Me: Help! My wife's having contradictions! Dr: Don't you mean contractions? Wife: Never say never