@jessokfine: I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
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@AristotlesNZ: OH GOD! BOB IS HAVING A HEART ATTACK! QUICK SOMEONE CALL A TEMP AGENCY. I'M SURE AS HELL NOT DOING ALL HIS WORK.
@mydanimarie: FRIENDSHIP TIP: stick your head under the bathroom stalls and introduce yourself! You never know where you'll find your soulmate
@Cheeseboy22: A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
@VeryLonelyLuke: I ordered a pizza. I don't think the guy understood how to get here. Is it free if it's 5 years late?