I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
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Worst Native American name ever.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.