I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
You Might Also Like
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
another case of gang violins
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]