I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
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My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
men, we mow at sunrise.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
These are my roll models.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.