My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
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I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
This is me 🤣🤣
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*