Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
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“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
is this meant to deter me
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.