You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
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I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”