Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
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Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this