As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
You Might Also Like
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way