@Papa_Mex: I learned that you transfer more germs shaking hands than kissing....It didn't take HR long to stop me from introducing myself to women...
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@SamGrittner: This Uber driver is the worst. I can't roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won't open, and now his siren is blaring.
@KeetPotato: wife: "you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings" me: [covering penguin's ears] "he can hear you linda"