@Papa_Mex: I learned that you transfer more germs shaking hands than kissing....It didn't take HR long to stop me from introducing myself to women...
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@dave_cactus: ME: I'll have the chicken dinner. WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick. ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
@michaelianblack: Finally saw the new Batman. SPOILER ALERT: the Bane character is up to no good.
@CAshmanActor: Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet! Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I - OH DEAR GOD!!
@FaisalAdam_: I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.