this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny đź’€
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What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”