I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
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Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
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Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.