I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
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My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called