I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
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Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?