I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
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My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
this is the best day of my life
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”