Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
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friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?