I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
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“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back