I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
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[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
#CatsOnTwitter
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Don’t snitch tag.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.