I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
You Might Also Like
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
🤣dope
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.