You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
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I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Try and stop me.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.