I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
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“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
new record!
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing