I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
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My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
LMAO
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*