“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
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The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.