I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
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Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
79.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Milk Cube
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.