I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
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Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
you know what ruined my childhood? children
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here