I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
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Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right