I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
You Might Also Like
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch