Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
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Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
I’ll be mad as hell!
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.