@markhoppus: I left some avocado toast out on the front porch and in the morning I’d caught three millennials. Paid off their student loans and released them back into the wild. Good kids.
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@velvettusk: ♫ Is this the real life? Are you a manatee? Let’s beat up french fries I should lay off the LSD ♫
@SondraDeeMe: [mattress store interview] "What would you bring to this job?" A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
@LeaMehanna: Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I'll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
@kelly__le: I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!! Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!